I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
