Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
