Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
