she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
