How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
