dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
