Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
