I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
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Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
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When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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