is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
