mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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