Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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