I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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