Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
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A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
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I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.