Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
