She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
