How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
