I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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