are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
