Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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