i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
