sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
