i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
