I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
jump out the window naked night went bad
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