the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
