hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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