You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Can you repeat that, but with context?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
