Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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