i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
