I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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