Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
