I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
