M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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