I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
