he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
