I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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