My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
