I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
