it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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