Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
