woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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