Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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