I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
