You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
