it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
