Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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