there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
