and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
3pm strippers are depressing
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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