By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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