If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
