put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
