I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
