okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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