my vag is so smooth its legendary
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
being pregnant is like rehab
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
