His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
