Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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